And then my soul saw you and “Oh there you are. I’ve been looking for you.”
The Size Zero Myth:
I will fall in love RAJ-SIMRAN (Indian versions of Romeo and Juliet) style, and get married to the love of my life. Arranged marriage is just not for me.
If I do not have a love marriage, I will have to compromise with any partner I find through matrimonial sites or arranged by elders. The chemistry, passion and understanding which I would have with a partner in love marriage cannot exist in arranged marriage.
I am doomed if I have to get married the arranged way.
The Wise Hero Reality:
In TLC’s new show “Married By Mom and Dad,” individuals allow their parents to choose their spouses. Though this seems completely crazy to most westerners, who usually pick their own spouses (for better or worse) and decide to spend the rest of their lives together, arranged marriages are quite common in other cultures and areas of the world, especially in Asian countries. Why? Because the general belief is that young adults are too immature and impulsive to pick a good life partner and parents, guardians, or wise elders are much better at finding a suitable partner with the characteristics of a caring spouse based on their own life experiences.
Because marriage is over speculated and because before we enter matrimony, most of us hold romanticized version of wedlock in our minds. All credits to the movies, we tend to believe that marriages are happily-ever-after. That we would meet someone on a rainy day, magically fall in love and get married to the same person eventually. Even as a small kid we are made to read all fairy tales which has a prince charming who apparently comes in a horse and rescues his princess. Well, reality can be harsh at times.
I myself was in pursue of a perfect love marriage but this dream of mine collapsed and arranged marriage turned out to be the best possible thing that could have happened to me ever.
Being born and brought up in an Indian family, I always had it imprinted on my mind that the whole and sole reason for having a relationship would be to get married eventually. But after few failed relationships, I had to give up on love marriage idea and give in to find a suitable groom for me through matrimony sites. And the hunt begun.
Through my personal experience, I would like to share some important tips for anyone who is looking to find their better half through matrimony websites or other arranged manners.
1. It is not a Shopping Site..
Like every other person who gets hold of a new app and finds it interesting, matrimony sites seemed interesting in the beginning. It was just like a shopping site like Flipkart and Amazon where I was supposed to look into the description of the product (oops I mean to say profile of the groom) and select or reject them (I know I sound harsh, but this is what happens). Being a shopaholic, I could operate the site easily.
Take the matrimony site seriously, you have no scope for experiment and failures. The person you choose is the one you might end up spending rest of your life with. And there is absolutely no return policy. So, choose wisely and go through profiles thoroughly before accepting or rejecting.
2. Be Sure of Exactly what kind of partner you want:
Being a tall girl with a good height of 5’8″, I always wanted a guy who was at least few inches taller than me. But most of the men who sent me request were 5’9″. I initially wanted to reject them but people around me started giving me ideas of how I am giving such small issues so much of importance. So ultimately, I got confused, met a bunch of men who claimed to be 5’9″ but where shorter than me.
Never listen to what others have to say about your priorities. Even if you seem shallow, it’s you who needs to accept your partner. You are not in love with any of them so you can have your own checklist before you feel comfortable in going ahead with someone.
3. Do not get over-whelmed by every match you get:
When I was new on the site, the first guy who approached me and whose profile seemed to match mine, I thought he is the one. So did my parents. But I did not get married to the first guy or many more that came afterwards.
Do not get over-whelmed or over optimistic about the initial prospects you meet as you must be new to the field but the other person must be on the hunt long before you started. Take it slow, this is not a Bollywood movie that you will meet someone and everything will fall into its place. It may, it may not. So be prepared for both.
4. Do not reject guys initially assuming that you can do better:
I had met a guy in my initial days of hunt. He seemed to be nice and we sort of clicked. But as he was one of the few guys I had met, I felt I could do better and moved to the next guy. Later on, after a year when the guy approached me again, I seriously considered getting married to him as he was much better than the other weirdos I met after rejecting him initially (no I did not end up with him, but we ended on friendly terms).
I am not saying that lower your standards and marry anyone who comes along, but make sure not to over expect. This is a very important decision of your life. You need to stay on the ground, face reality. If you like someone even a little, do not reject him/her assuming you will find better, You might, you might not. So be careful and make sure you are 100% satisfied that this is not the right person for you before you reject anyone.
5. Do not judge a person based on your past experiences:
After facing few bad experiences, it so happened that I started doubting anyone I was talking to for matrimony purpose. Hence things were not working out for me. I could not trust a new person and was projecting my past experiences on the new prospect. When I realized how this was working against me, I changed my perspective and started any conversation with the new prospects on a positive note. This really helped me.
Start conversation with any new person you meet with a clean slate. Remember that every relationship is different and it is not necessary that everyone is alike. Also, if you start judging the person from day one, he/she will catch those negative vibes from you and this relationship will most probably not work. Meet any new person without judgement and a positive attitude.
6. Just because you have failed few times doesn’t mean you rush to get married to anyone who comes along:
After meeting many prospects and things not working out, I really got into a phase of depression. I just was troubled. I just wanted to get married to anyone who came along as I had lost hope. But then I made myself strong. Got myself busy with other activities and made myself feel worthy to wait for the right one and it did happen for me.
Just because you are unable to find a suitable matrimonial prospect doesn’t mean you must rush into getting married to anyone who comes along. Yes, it did not happen for you yet but it will happen. Patience is the key. Also, your aim is not to just get married but to be happy, alone or with someone whom you really want to be with. So, do not lose hope.
I had set a policy that when I am talking to one prospect, I would pause my matrimony profile and if it does not work, only then move on to the next. My fiancé had sent me interest when I was in conversation with someone else so I did not proceed with him initially. Later on, when I started multi-dating. His interest popped up and I was also interested. I met my fiancé when I was in conversation with two other men (of course they were not clicking). I instantaneously liked my guy and thank god, I was multi-dating
I know multi-dating does not sounds right. But it is being practical. There are lakhs of prospects on matrimony and thousands send you request. If you do one at a time, you might lose the right guy/gal being stuck talking to a wrong person. So, multi-date and do not feel guilty as 90% of the people on matrimony sites do it. Remember you are not committed. You are exploring options.
8. If it is prolonging and you don’t feel it. This is not right:
I did not know if I could connect with a stranger so easily. I believed it takes time to develop the urge to get married to the right one. So, whenever I started talking to a prospect, I would assume that I don’t feel it is working now but it will develop. But nothing developed ever. I only lost many months talking to strange men and wasting my time. When I met the right person, it just took us two weeks to get engaged.
If he or she is the right fit, it will click instantaneously. Do not drag conversations if you do not want to. Don’t force yourself into talking to someone assuming you might start liking that person. Trust me you will not. It is just not meant to happen. Move on. Do not waste your time.
9. If you don’t think it would work, end it immediately and let the other person know:
I have met few nonsensical people along the way. There was this guy who would talk to me frequently but nothing was clear as to where this was progressing according to him. It was as if he was keeping me on hold. I got bored and could not feel any connect at the end and ended it then and there.
Multi-date, but if you think there is no chance of a relation to work, make sure you inform the other person of how you feel. As it might happen that he/she starts to like you. Keep yourself in their position and think how it hurts when you get rejected by someone you like. Also, you will find people who might keep you on hold as they multi-date. Read the signs and move on soon.
10. If they seem too busy to give you time, dump them immediately:
I met a guy whose parents were very interested in getting us married. Initially the guy used to speak to me daily. I remember he was sent on deputation somewhere and he could not call me much. When I asked him if he had time he would reply that he is too busy to even eat. This went on for nearly two months. Then I realized it was high time to move on.
If someone is too busy to even talk to you, read the signs. They are just not into you. If someone really likes you, they would definitely find time for you by hook or by crook. So, do not waste your time trying to understand their situation. You are not committed yet. They do not have the right to take you for granted. Realize your self-worth and end this relation then and there.
11. If someone goes by your outer beauty, they are not worth holding onto:
I was dating another guy through matrimony. On our second date, I wanted to have ice cream, He suggested fruit-juice as it was healthy. I wanted to eat ice-cream as I was in a different city standing outside a famous desert bar. When I finished eating the yummy sizzler brownie, he gave me a lecture on how bad my eating habits were and how I needed to lose weight (mind it he was no Brad Pitt) which would not be possible if I continued eating this way. I just replied to him saying, I am in search of a life partner not a dad. I have a dad at home already; saying that, I walked out.
Outer appearance matters in arranged marriage but to some extent. You need to be practical. If you look like a model, maybe you can demand for a perfect looking person. Else let’s face the reality, most of us are average looking beings having certain flaws. Remember inner beauty is always more significant that outer appearance. Because outer beauty fades but a person beautiful from inside will keep you happy your entire life.
Also, if you find someone who is only enchanted by your outer beauty and if that is really important to him/her, do not think twice. Just dump them, then and there. Also, if someone has a problem with how you look and want you to change, just walk away from them. You are perfect just the way you are and you don’t have to change for someone’s approval.
You have the freedom to choose your life partner, you need not settle for someone so shallow. You might be beautiful now but your appearance will change as you age. if the person is not in love with you for who you really are as a person, he does not love you at all. Do yourself a favour, find someone else.
12. Chemistry is the key to happiness:
I have met nearly 4-5 men for matrimonial purpose. Every time I met them, I spoke to them in a friendly manner and thought that this is an arranged marriage so chemistry will develop over time. Well that did not happen. Apparently the one I decided to get married to, I could feel chemistry between us from the first few minutes we met and it grew.
I know this might sound difficult. But this is how it works. When you meet the other half of your puzzle, you automatically feel lot of chemical reactions going on inside you. And trust me even I had given up on it. After many failed attempts, I did find my better half. So will you.
13. Believe in Happy Endings:
After I faced failure in relationship, I stopped believing that I could have my happy ending someday. I thought my only chance of happiness is doomed. Now I will have to compromise in life. But with time I grew wiser and started believing that I am on a journey and will find my destiny soon. And I did find the perfect partner I could ever imagine of. Better than any relation I had ever dreamed of.
Yes, life is not a fairy tale but this certainly does not mean you cannot have a happy ending for yourself. Even the law of attraction states how positive visualization and working towards it will result in your good destiny. So, believe in your destiny and stay positive. I did find my happily ever after. So will you. Do not give up. Your perfect soulmate is just around the corner…
Our universe grants every soul a twin- a reflection of themselves-the kindred spirit- And no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other-even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find one another. This is destiny; this is love.
We might meet few wrong people who act like hurdle in our search for true soulmate but always remember these hurdles force us to change our path and take a new path, the path which finally leads us to the one we have been looking for.
So, hold on tight and keep looking as the other half of your puzzle is somewhere out there and you will find your better half eventually. The half that will complete you.